Friday, June 3, 2011

Peace comes with time....

Where has time gone?  Apparently out the back door with the dish water!  Lots of things to reflect on from the past couple of months.....

My oldest baby boy decides he wants to grow up and get his driver's license.  I reluctantly agreed, and he managed to do it all by himself without my help or holding his hand.  What?  How did that happen?  I can't believe that I have a child that can actually do something on their own!!  Do you know how long it took me to convince him that he didn’t need to sleep in the floor of my bedroom next to my bed, and now he thinks he can be alone in a car driving down the highway??  I cried tears of joy that day, and then I cried tears from fear.  Then I called the insurance company and I cried tears of financial pain.  I can’t believe that I don’t get that cute little discount for his insurance because he refuses to dress out in P.E. and has managed to fail every semester.  Nice, right?!?

I watched my youngest baby boy walk down the halls of the elementary school for the last time.  Seriously, where did that time go?  How did he just grow up right before my eyes, and I never saw it coming?  I met with his speech teacher, along with his primary teacher and the principal the day before he “graduated”.  I sat there with the three of them and expressed his apprehensions and concerns about taking speech once he started Middle School, with tears rolling down my face, and they assured me he will be fine.  Mrs. Thompson, the speech therapist, begins to read to me the end of the school year evaluation…”John Michael’s likes are baseball, video games and Oreo cookie ice cream.”  She made sure I knew that he was very specific about the Oreo cookie ice cream!  That’s my boy!!  We are stress eaters around my house, and all of that speech stuff seems to stress him out!  Lisp or no lisp, I am super proud of him!  Who needs to say “She sells seashells down by the seashore” anyways? 

If you read any of my previous posts, you know that a beautiful friend of mine was dying of cancer.  Unfortunately, I am now living with the fact that I just couldn’t bring myself to see her or even speak to her before she died.  I tried, I really did.  I was scared that I wouldn’t say the right thing.  I was scared that she would want me have the right answers for her questions.  Really, I think I was just scared that I would have to face the real fact that she wasn’t going to live.  Tracy didn’t want a big shindig when she died, but sorry my friend, it happened!  The preacher read a letter that she had written, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the place…not because it was all sad and sappy, but because every word of it was just Tracy and we all had a laugh!  She had a great sense of humor and even in her sickness, she showed it.  I will forever be grateful for our friendship and will miss her dearly. 

And, last, and most definitely not least, we have had the displeasure of Michael losing his job.  The dreaded phone call came in to me at work on Tuesday, May 31st at 2:21 pm.  It was something that we knew would eventually happen, but not something that you are ever prepared to hear.  Michael tells me that he has been laid off, and then tells me not to get myself in a tizzy.  Well, that didn’t happen.  I sat at my desk, cried like a baby, and wondered how in the world we are going to survive on one income.  Michael is at peace with what has happened, and seems to feel like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders, since the unknown of when this was going to happen is now over.  I, on the other hand, am the one that worries.  I handle our financial needs, and all I see is bills that need to be paid with no money available.  I don’t feel like talking to anyone(so please don’t have your feelings hurt if I don’t answer my phone),  and every night I tend to cry myself to sleep.  The middle of the night, 3:00 a.m. crying didn’t take place last night, so I find that a small accomplishment.  My children have been very sympathetic and have been very helpful that last few days.  My sweet middle baby boy, Jacob, unfortunately has taken after myself and worries.  He worries that we’ll lose our house and every time he speaks to me, he wants to know if I am ok.  He prays with me every night that Michael will find a job and we will be ok.  He’s such a sweetheart and I hate that at 12 years old, he feels the need to worry.  I know we will be fine, and I know that God will never leave us nor forsake us.  But, I am human, and I haven’t been able to let go of the fear.  I read something today that reminded me of how I should not worry and to let God be in control.  I sat there, again at my desk, and cried, but this time because I realized that I am not in control of this situation, but God is and that should be good enough for me.  I don’t need to worry, I don’t need to cry, and I don’t need to wonder…..give it to God, and walk away.

“When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say,
It is well; it is well with my soul.”

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